I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
