I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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