1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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