i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
