I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
