So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
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I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
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rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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