My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
someone owes me an orgasm
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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