im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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