he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
