I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
