I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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