There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
