Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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