Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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