How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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