I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
