You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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