Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sext me about skeletons
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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