Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
