walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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