rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
