So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
