Me. At least after what I've been through.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
