How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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