I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
