If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
