They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
