tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
