Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
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