She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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