I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
