david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
