does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
