i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
