ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
