I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
