I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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