did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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