Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
