God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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