Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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