Who did Billy Mays play for?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
