Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
