No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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