There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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