God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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