low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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