You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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