all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
how drunk are you?
Several
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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