i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
