I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
