Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
