I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
