im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
