When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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