Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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